“You’re just being silly and overreacting. You got a healthy baby out of the deal, didn’t you?” I’ve heard this in my birth trauma struggle, and from countless of other women also struggling. We hear it from friends, family, birth professionals… people who we think should be able to listen and objectively understand. But they just don’t. Imagine: Would you tell 5th grade Ava, Mark who just returned home to his family or Rebecca that they are silly for having a hard time dealing with their situations? They’re not physically hurt, after all.
Is anything about their stories or recoveries silly to you? I would assume not, what they went through is or was traumatic! We’ve heard over and over that we, as a society, need to take these situations in with open arms and gently guide them to helpful resources. But when a mother comes to us for help? Why is it that you probably wouldn’t say these folks are being silly for having a hard time with their situations, but some have no problem saying that a woman is silly or overreacting for what she experienced as a traumatic childbirth because she has “a healthy child out of it?” The mental wellbeing of a random child, woman or war hero is just as important as that of a new (or new-again!) mother. Do you realize what you're telling her when this mother chooses to open a piece of her she may have never opened to anyone else before and you shut her down by telling her she’s just being silly, she has a healthy baby that’s all that matters… Do you realize you’re telling her that she, herself, is not important? She, the mother and probably main caregiver to this new healthy child, was an incubator and now a food source and care taker. But that’s it. Her feelings don’t matter. When she cries, no one needs to listen. When she sobs uncontrollably while being the only one home to watch the baby and she calls you for support or even help, well that won’t happen now. She can no longer count on you to understand or be sympathetic, let alone be there for her. What happens when it becomes too much for her to bear? What happens when her panic attacks hit and her baby cries for just five minutes too long? Be quick to listen, my friend. Listen well, listen slowly. Choose your words carefully. Postpartum Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, OCD, Psychosis, these are all very real. And can be very dangerous. We care so much about that healthy newborn, we need to care just as much about its mother and lifeline who is herself a human being just the same. Mental wellbeing is important, no matter who you are. YOU, the friend, probably did not attend the birth of that child. You probably weren’t physically in the room when this mom almost lost her own life, or when the doctor was violent in one way or another. You probably mean the best when you say, “You have a healthy baby, be grateful.” But what you’re really saying is, I don’t understand, I don’t care to understand, The baby is all that mattered. This mom trusted us with her heart, soul and mind. Don’t we owe her a little more than just, “You don’t matter, but hey! Your baby came out healthy as a peach, isn’t that great?” Yeah, yeah that is great and I certainly am happy about that. But I’m glad to know where I stand, thanks. If you need help, please talk to someone. It’s tough, but you have to keep on keeping on until you find someone who can be sympathetic to your needs. Don’t let it go to the wayside. YOU ARE IMPORTANT! Here’s a few hotline numbers I found in a quick search, we will be adding more to the site over the next few days. You are also always welcome on our page and in our closed facebook groups: Survivors here, Birth Professionals here.
Also Read: Responding to Birth Trauma: Five ways to offer positive support
5 Comments
Kristina
6/5/2014 01:03:41 am
Thank you for sharing. I just wish those who haven't been in our shoes could just understand this!
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AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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