Ann Jamison, co-founder of Homebirth Cesarean International, recently joined us for a LIVE chat right on our Facebook page to help celebrate our one year Blogoversary! Here’s what she had to say… Homebirth Cesarean International: Hi everyone! I'm so excited to be here. Congratulations to Momma Trauma on her Blogoversary! Momma Trauma: Thanks so much! I'm very excited about it! Thanks for joining us today, your network is so important to so many! I have some questions I've come up with for you, I hope our communities will add some questions as we go along, too! So I was checking out your page and it says HBC was founded on Dec. 14, 2011, Almost TWO years young!!! (I love birthdays.) What caused you to create this network? Homebirth Cesarean International: Great question. Homebirth Cesarean is a term first coined by our co-founder, Courtney Jarecki, to describe her own birth- a planned homebirth that ended in cesarean. Courtney's experience and background in birth work led her to begin researching a book about Homebirth Cesareans, and to create a closed Facebook page that would provide support for mothers, and a space where birth workers could come and listen and learn From those roots, the idea for an organization that would continue the work of education and support was born. Courtney and I began work on establishing HBCI this year, and we're currently seeking non-profit status.
Momma Trauma: Hi Sara! Great question, thanks for joining us!
Homebirth Cesarean International: One correction to the above- we are registered as a non-profit but are currently seeking exempt status. Momma Trauma: Ann, I absolutely agree. In my experience, it's kind of the top hush-hush thing in the birth world. Mindy S.: How often does it happen that women, who plan HBAC end up in HBC? Homebirth Cesarean International: I agree. I think that we want so much to believe that if we plan things just so, we can control every aspect of our birth experience. Birth is a big unknown! A huge event in the life of a woman. Of course we want to do our homework and work to get the "best" outcome- whatever that looks like to us. I think for many of us, we find ourselves believing that planning a birth at home will ensure we'll bypass a lot of unwanted interventions. Certainly, we think, we'll be able to have a vaginal birth. But that is not always the case, for a variety of reasons. Women who plan out of hospital births who then must transfer and meet their babies through surgery are often devastated by the huge gap between what they planned, and what happened. It is a lot to process, physically and mentally. We as birth activists have to find a way to talk critically about the high cesarean rate while still making room for cesarean as a very real possibility- one that isn't seen as a kind of failure. Hi Mindy - I'm sorry I didn't see your question sooner here! Mindy S.:That's alright! Momma Trauma: Love that, because as much as we don't want to talk about cesareans in a positive light, they absolutely play an important role in maternity care when truly needed. Mindy’s question is great (Hi Mindy!). She asked: How often does it happen that women, who plan HBAC end up in HBC? Sara, we'll come right back to yours. I have it noted! Homebirth Cesarean International: The statistics on these things are very hard to find. Unlike countries like the UK, we don't have a consistent way of gathering birth statistics across states. In addition, some women live in states where homebirth midwifery is under serious threat, and for legal reasons cannot or won't admit to being an HBAC. The short answer is we don't really know how many women that happens to. What we do know is that women who attempt HBAC and transfer to the hospital for cesarean feel the impact of that transfer experience on a deep level, and often report a need for greater postpartum support and a wish that their preparation for birth had been more open to all possible outcomes. HBC mamas we hear from often share with us that they did not read the cesarean chapter, and did not discuss cesarean with their midwives. Many believed this would not happen to them. When it did, they did not have the power of informed choice, because they lacked information about cesarean. Sara hello! One more thing for Mindy before I get to Sara's question. Mindy S.: That's my main fear, of being transferred. However, I keep telling myself, if I have too, I have to, and I will accept it. I just often wonder, how much will I accept it? I do live in Canada, so I'm not sure if the statistics are any different than the states. Homebirth Cesarean International: The data we have been able to get a hold of does show that midwives estimate that half of their transports end in cesarean. That of course, does not speak to the HBAC question specifically, but it's a related statistic. HBCI's plans. Oh yes! We recently released guided meditations for mothers healing from difficult births. These were created in partnership with a world-renowned hypnotherapist and are for *all* mothers who need healing- not just HBC moms. You can find those on our website. Courtney has also been involved in teaching classes for midwives on the homebirth cesarean experience, and continues to offer those through our website. (For any MW's out there- Courtney loves to travel! If you want classes in your area, just contact us through Facebook or our website!) Mindy S.: Is that a transfer of previous c-sections, or in general? Homebirth Cesarean International: We're also working on launching local support programs that will allow HBC mothers and other interested volunteers to receive training from HBCI in offering peer support to other HBC mamas in their communities. Mindy- it's just in general. I think that the fact that you're thinking about it as a real possibility is huge. I can tell you that I wouldn't even allow myself to consider it. And looking back, I wish I had worked on greater mental flexibility, I wish I had written a "plan C." Mindy S.: Does it matter why the previous c-sections were done, on whether or not a VBAC will be successful or not? Hope that question makes sense. lol Oh Sorry Sara! Homebirth Cesarean International: You might find that if you transfer, that you have complicated feelings surrounding your experience. After all, if you start at home, it's clear that the operating room is not your first choice by any means. My advice, sent lovingly, is to believe in your power as a birthing woman to meet whatever challenges you must face in your birthing journey. Arm yourself with oodles of information and with helpers you trust, and know that you have what it takes to make the tough calls, if they have to be made. I should also mention that HBCI is going to be offering an HBC Mothers' Weekend coming up this Spring. It will be a healing weekend retreat in the state of Washington. More details will be coming up about that on our website and Facebook. Sara M.: No worries, Mindy!! Ask all the questions you want! Homebirth Cesarean International: Mindy- good question re: VBACs. I'm not entirely sure of the answer. What I will say is that if you are considering a HBAC, that is exactly the kind of question you'll want to ask your midwife so that you are fully aware of your risks and options. Good for you for asking the right questions and learning about your options! Momma Trauma: Ann, are there any birth complications that are more common than others that you've noticed with HBC families? Mindy S.: Thanks Sara! I didn't mean to cut you off! Thanks! I appreciate your information! So nice to see there is in fact support out there these days for ALL kinds of birth! Homebirth Cesarean International: The risk for postpartum mental health issues is increased. This includes PTSD as well as postpartum depression and anxiety. It is also important to note than many families end up feeling increased financial strain. Many have paid out of pocket for the homebirth, then are faced with a large hospital bill. This is just another stressor in an already stressful situation. Momma Trauma:Certainly makes sense! Homebirth Cesarean International: I think if I had to name one huge complication it would be isolation. HBC mamas spent their pregnancies, usually, embedded in natural childbirth communities, whether it was at their birth center or their local homebirth peer group. When they have cesarean births, they often feel uncomfortable, or like they don't quite belong with their previous peer group, but they also don't feel at home at hospital-based postpartum moms' groups. (Even returning to the physical place of the hospital can be a huge challenge.) Momma Trauma: How about complications that resulted in the transfer and thus the cesarean delivery? Are there any commonalities in families there? Sara M.: Mindy - it's in no way researched, but in my experience of other mothers, I've noticed VBAC seem to be common when a prior c-section was elective (due to preeclamsia, etc) or because of a one-time emergency. I have a feeling it's all pretty much chance, though. Homebirth Cesarean International: So they feel like they're in a no woman's land. They need community and recognition if they are to find a way to integrate their experiences into their new identity as mother. Momma Trauma: Absolutely, I find that A LOT (probably the majority) of birth trauma families regardless of type of birth just cannot stand returning to the hospital, it's a huge trigger. Homebirth Cesarean International: Ah, I see- you mean the reasons behind the transfer? We hear from mothers with all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it's an emergency, and mama travels to the hospital in an ambulance and is under general anesthesia for the birth. Sometimes breech is discovered at home, and the decision is made to go to the hospital, particularly if the midwife who is attending does not feel comfortable midwifing a breech at-home birth (not all have training in this). Some women feel their transfers weren't necessary, and that their midwives made the wrong call. For others, like me, there is no real clear-cut reason. In my own personal case, I labored at home for 3 days with a very painful back labor. I never got a normal labor pattern going. We tried all kinds of things to get baby to come out and he just wouldn't. He wasn't optimally positioned and was good and stuck. There is no other reason. We just needed more tools to get him out than what was available at home. In general, malpositioning is a big one we see. But I also hesitate to identify that one directly, because we run the risk of adding that to the list of more things we need to "perfect" in pregnancy to avoid cesarean. Avoiding cesarean is a fine goal to have. But we must also remember that there are wildcards in birth, and that not everything will be in our control. I did chiropractic care and yoga in pregnancy to position my baby well, and the little fella still tried to come out ear first. For HBCI, our mamas are usually highly educated. They did their research and know the risks of cesarean, and do a lot to have a natural, intervention-free birth. So for us, working with this population, we know they've prepared for the best. How do we help them have a low to no-trauma birth in a situation that's not the best? Mindy S.: My first was failure to progress, i was pumped full of drugs. Didn't get passed 6cm. So i'm hoping if I avoid any intervention, i can birth at home. Most importantly, I just want the opportunity to try at home. Homebirth Cesarean International: I completely understand that desire, Mindy. My midwife said something after my birth that was helpful to me. She mentioned something along the lines of how much easier it was to heal from a birth that didn't go the way you wanted if you could look back and know you tried all you wanted to try. We can get that in the hospital, but I think for many of us, the opportunity to try everything else first feels more in-reach at home. Mindy S.: I agree 100%! I really feel I can do it, but I know sometimes things just can't be perfect. If my midwife says we need to go, we go. If I feel like its time to transfer then we will. I don't think I will be happy with it, but in the end I want my baby safe. I really just dont the recovery. I had an awful recovery with my first, I think thats mostly my fear more than anything. Sara M.: I didn't get past 5 with my first - after 5 days. After 24 hours with my second I made it to 8. She was in a much better position, but heart rate issues caused them to push a RCS. I still think my body can do it. Momma Trauma: I am going to hop over to the chat with Kathi from Birth Anarchy here in a minute, but Ann I wanted to thank you so much for celebrating our blogoversary with us and joining us for today's chat! This is such an important topic and mission! I have one last question I'd like to leave you with if that's alright: For pregnant moms planning a home birth, what could you suggest to her to be prepared for birth? Sara M.: Oh Mindy! My second recovery was so much easier than the first. I didn't expect that, but I was proud of my body healing so I could jump right back into mommyhood. Kate D.: Hey Ann, a question. Besides just being awesome in general and holding the space for women in the support group, how else is HBCI moving to create change in the NCB community? Homebirth Cesarean International: Recovery from cesarean is a whole other can of worms. That's one thing we focus on a lot- are the specialized needs of HBC moms in the postpartum. Many of the basic self-care tasks moms need to perform are next to impossible with a major surgical incision. Great question, Kate! I think Courtney's book will go a very long way to telling the story of HBC and raising awareness around these kinds of births. Mindy S.: Oh Sara! Thats fantastic to hear! That makes me feel positive! It took me 14 months, with homecare nurses daily, and hernia repair surgery and close up my original c-section wound 9 months later. Homebirth Cesarean International: As an organization, we want to train birth workers to better understand the needs of HBC moms, and to learn how to talk about cesarean as a very real and sometimes useful tool for birth. In other words- to not discuss cesarean as the "thing that cannot be named." But rather as a tool that a woman can understand how to judiciously make use of if she needs it. Momma Trauma: (PS, please feel free to stick around if you wish! No rush!) Mindy S.: So true Ann! Homebirth Cesarean International: The change has to come from removing stigma as well. We've got to end the language of failure surrounding cesarean. We've got to start telling our stories. Birth workers need to share HBC stories on their pages with the same triumphant language they use to talk about moms who had births at home. Both women worked hard and gave everything to their babies. Both women deserve celebration. Homebirth Cesarean International: HBCI does some of this work already by sharing HBC stories online and by discussing HBC with birth workers. We also continue to work on speaking engagements and sharing our vision through writing (some of which appeared on Momma Trauma!). Kate D. And since we're close to the topic... what does HBCI need from us to better reach it's goals? Homebirth Cesarean International: We're working right now on a volunteer application and manual, which will make it possible for those who want to get involved to find a place in our organization. We need help with social media outreach, administrative tasks, research, and many others. A webpage will be coming soon with an application and open positions. Beyond that, what we need is for the HBC mamas to be exactly the women they are. Brave, vulnerable, and fierce. We need HBC mamas to seek out their healing and to claim their power and worthiness as birth warriors, and to offer that affirmation to their sisters. The HBC community's main work is always going to boil down to that- to making it possible for women to heal themselves, and in turn, change the conversation that surrounds them, and make the road smoother for the women who come next. Sara M. I'm so sorry, Mindy! Regardless of how it ends up, I'll be sending you positive vibes for a much easier, healthy birth experience. Mindy S. Thank you Sara! Means alot! Thank you Ann, for sharing very much valuable information! Momma Trauma: Thanks so much Ann for sharing your story and HBCI with us today! Kate D. Thanks everyone. Mindy, I wish you all the best. Just know that the effort you put into one birth is more than most people put into anything in their entire lives. The fact that you want another speaks volumes to your strength, courage, and bravery. Mindy S. Thank you Kate! Ann wrote for us last year to help us understand Homebirth Cesarean and her organization. You can read it here: Homebirth Cesarean: "I was still an authentic mother."
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Birth Trauma, PPMD: FIVE ways to be positive support Your best friend calls you teary eyed and says “I need to talk.” Many thoughts fly through your head, but all you say is hey! Go for it! She tells you something that kind of leaves you speechless. The conversation boils down to: She’s crying. All the time. She can’t enjoy her children. She thinks it has something to do with childbirth, maybe she knows just what happened that is upsetting her, maybe not. She doesn’t want to be alone because she’s been having anxiety troubles. She needs help. The symptoms and reasonings here of course will vary by person and this is just a hypothetical example. Birth Trauma, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, OCD, Psychosis, All of these are real and different per person. So what do you do? When many hear this vent for the first time, they think: Birth. Well, the goal of birth is a healthy baby (AND mom…). So they blurt out something like, “Oh wow! I’m sorry to hear that, but at least you have a healthy baby.” We talked about this a little in the recent post, Responding to Birth Trauma: What the "healthy baby" line really means. We’ll assume you’ve already read that post and understand why that’s not such a great line. (If you haven’t read it yet, take a moment to do so!) Since publishing that post, I’ve had a few beautiful messages saying: okay, so that’s not a great line. How *should* I respond? One of the messages I received included this suggested wording and asked my opinion: “I'm so sorry, but at least you and baby survived and are safe.” Her thought to include mom is a great step in the right direction. As a trauma mom dealing with PTSD, if I heard this line even knowing this mom had the best of intentions, I would have thought “I don’t feel like I really survived beyond physically. I don’t really feel safe. Is that really all that matters?” And the thing is, I know that wasn’t the intention of this mom or her words. Sure, survival and safety are of the utmost concern for laboring moms and their birthing teams! The idea we need to shift our thoughts on is that our psychological self is also important. It is. We are not completely “healthy” if we are not psychologically healthy, that is huge part of us! The most concerning risk of any PPMD is the real risk of suicide, which needs to be taken seriously. So how do we respond to these situations and be the best support possible?
I thought I would share a couple of comments from our Facebook page on this as well: Survivor Momma Ashley: “I had someone reach out to me. She asked if she could send people to help support me. Or just come visit. I was fighting to not have to go through another unwanted section. The power of the gesture was amazing. And then to have people approach me in person and online who wanted to help, each in their own way. That's all anyone can do. Bring to the table what they can. Not everyone has the goods to bring to the table. I find people who have been down the road have more to offer. I found it was real. The trauma was real. Knowing that and having people acknowledge that was the most helpful.” Doula Jessica: “I was acting as a doula for a family friend who ended up having a traumatic induction-turned-Cesarean. It was horrible all the way around. I finally reached out to her and said I'm sorry her birth wasn't as planned and that I'm here if she ever wanted to discuss it. Then I let her take the lead. I don't see the birth or the reason for the induction the same way she does, but I have to keep in mind that it isn't about me. Her experience is not mine and never will be. My job isn't to force her to see things my way. It's to support her.” “You’re just being silly and overreacting. You got a healthy baby out of the deal, didn’t you?” I’ve heard this in my birth trauma struggle, and from countless of other women also struggling. We hear it from friends, family, birth professionals… people who we think should be able to listen and objectively understand. But they just don’t. Imagine: Would you tell 5th grade Ava, Mark who just returned home to his family or Rebecca that they are silly for having a hard time dealing with their situations? They’re not physically hurt, after all.
Is anything about their stories or recoveries silly to you? I would assume not, what they went through is or was traumatic! We’ve heard over and over that we, as a society, need to take these situations in with open arms and gently guide them to helpful resources. But when a mother comes to us for help? Why is it that you probably wouldn’t say these folks are being silly for having a hard time with their situations, but some have no problem saying that a woman is silly or overreacting for what she experienced as a traumatic childbirth because she has “a healthy child out of it?” The mental wellbeing of a random child, woman or war hero is just as important as that of a new (or new-again!) mother. Do you realize what you're telling her when this mother chooses to open a piece of her she may have never opened to anyone else before and you shut her down by telling her she’s just being silly, she has a healthy baby that’s all that matters… Do you realize you’re telling her that she, herself, is not important? She, the mother and probably main caregiver to this new healthy child, was an incubator and now a food source and care taker. But that’s it. Her feelings don’t matter. When she cries, no one needs to listen. When she sobs uncontrollably while being the only one home to watch the baby and she calls you for support or even help, well that won’t happen now. She can no longer count on you to understand or be sympathetic, let alone be there for her. What happens when it becomes too much for her to bear? What happens when her panic attacks hit and her baby cries for just five minutes too long? Be quick to listen, my friend. Listen well, listen slowly. Choose your words carefully. Postpartum Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, OCD, Psychosis, these are all very real. And can be very dangerous. We care so much about that healthy newborn, we need to care just as much about its mother and lifeline who is herself a human being just the same. Mental wellbeing is important, no matter who you are. YOU, the friend, probably did not attend the birth of that child. You probably weren’t physically in the room when this mom almost lost her own life, or when the doctor was violent in one way or another. You probably mean the best when you say, “You have a healthy baby, be grateful.” But what you’re really saying is, I don’t understand, I don’t care to understand, The baby is all that mattered. This mom trusted us with her heart, soul and mind. Don’t we owe her a little more than just, “You don’t matter, but hey! Your baby came out healthy as a peach, isn’t that great?” Yeah, yeah that is great and I certainly am happy about that. But I’m glad to know where I stand, thanks. If you need help, please talk to someone. It’s tough, but you have to keep on keeping on until you find someone who can be sympathetic to your needs. Don’t let it go to the wayside. YOU ARE IMPORTANT! Here’s a few hotline numbers I found in a quick search, we will be adding more to the site over the next few days. You are also always welcome on our page and in our closed facebook groups: Survivors here, Birth Professionals here.
Also Read: Responding to Birth Trauma: Five ways to offer positive support When we began Sacred Circles in 2013, we were excited about this fabulous opportunity to reach out to birth trauma survivors and advocates. But the excitement quickly died down and I think my initial idea of in-person support GROUPS was a little over-zealous if you will. It is still a fabulous idea and we have several leaders across the globe who have taken on the challenge of creating local support groups for both family survivors (moms, dads, siblings, relatives, friends, etc.) and birth workers. Local Support Groups Versus Local Support I certainly do not want to discourage in-person support groups from opening in 2014 because I think they’d be fabulous and needed! But I do think our goal of reaching out to every community got lost in the idea of necessitating “groups.” So, with that in mind and having listened to inquiries of both community leaders and those who need our support, we are opening the community leader roles to those who would like to offer instrumental In-Person Support without the requirement of a support group meeting setting. Those who step up in this role for their community will be given the same information and support our group leaders will receive and may, over time, decide they want to start support groups as well! Allowing leaders without the requirement of a physical group will allow more survivors to seek the peer-to-peer help they want and need. We’ve found that although the physical group idea is still fabulous, many women don’t want to take that leap just yet to attend a group, and that’s okay! Interested? Please read the leader letter and fill out the application/character reference on the Website. Just FYI: They have not yet been updated with this information. Leader packets will be available by Feb. 1 for all new and current leaders. Requirements for Local Leaders of all kinds:
Support for Birth Professionals Another goal that we haven’t implemented just yet has been the idea of getting birth trauma support to birth professionals above and beyond the survivors groups. This needs to be a separate category for two main reasons: 1. Birth professionals have different needs, although they can also be considered a birth trauma survivor whether it’s directly a personal experience or something experienced through their work. Perhaps she (or he!) is a witness to perinatal violence. Perhaps she was a violence survivor and witnessing the event re-triggered her previous experiences. Perhaps she wants to better understand her clients’ trauma and/or healing or prepare herself for that event so she can continue to better her business skills. We understand that the trauma experienced by a birth professional is real, and needs to be addressed so they can continue to work with women to the best of their ability. However, that healing should not take place in front of those directly involved (mom, dad, etc.). It needs to be separate. 2. The PTSD birth trauma survivors (the families directly involved) can come away with is sometimes triggered by the presence of a birth professional. For example, if the mom felt a midwife was the perinatal violence perpetrator, she may become triggered by the mere presence of a midwife whether it was her specific midwife or not. The same goes for other professions. On the same token, sometimes it can be helpful to a birth trauma survivor (again the families, not birth workers in this case) to discuss their trauma with a birth professional who is not related to the issue at hand. For this reason, throughout the year we will be identifying birth workers who understand birth trauma and perinatal violence and would be willing to fill this need. We will be adding a list of these birth workers to our site over time. If you are in the birth worker category, please take note that we will begin a Birth Professionals Sacred Circle meeting once a month in February! They will take place on the first Monday of each month at 8:30 p.m. EST (plan for an hour) starting Feb. 3, 2014 and will occur via conference call. We have placed a leader for this group who will be announced a little later in January, but she’s fabulous and eager to begin healing the birth workers of the world. We now have a Closed Facebook Group just for birth professionals! We will add more conference call times if needed! In the Works: We know that some may not feel comfortable speaking with a local leader, so we are also seeking those who would be interested in helping birth trauma survivors and birth professionals via private conference call. Right now, I think this will only work in the USA but I will do some research. Leaders in this category will be provided a conference call phone number where they can be reached (so personal information is not given out), connected with women seeking help and then scheduled according to availability. You may receive no calls, you may be really busy! It will be the responsibility of the survivor to call in at the appropriate time to be sure connection happens! If you’re interested in this form of support, please fill out the leadership application and indicate that you would like to offer phone-only support (or on top of being a local leader!). What are your thoughts? How can we better help you empower yourself in your healing and/or advocacy work? Check out Welcoming 2014 with a bang! Momma Trauma goals (that we're going to stick to) Welcome 2014! For me, this will be a bittersweet year with hopefully a lot of change. Of course the biggest one will be the early-summer welcoming of a new little one and adjusting from two toddlers to three munchkins under four! Naturally, I have some goals for our advocacy work here with Momma Trauma, too! I’ve taken some time to ponder over the last month or so I’ve been gone from the blogging world while I also focused on family, motherhood, holidays and frankly, trying to keep meals down from the newest little beauty that resides in my tummy. New Years Resolutions for 2014 (that we’re going to stick to, darn it!) Momma Trauma Blog & Sacred Circles Community
Local Advocacy – Delaware
Personal Goals I have a few more goals for advocacy work that I’m not quite ready to say out loud yet, but they’re coming along! For me, this list doesn’t seem like much! But really, that’s because the majority of the work that happens in our community happens by the grace and love of our community members. Most of us have been there, some of us are sympathetic to the ideas presented, but we all want to better the life of a family and/or birth worker so that work can continue on with each one we touch! If you like what you see or have been helped by our community, please consider donating so wecan continue our work to the best of our abilities! There are donation buttons floating around all over the site. What are your 2014 goals for your own birth trauma healing and/or advocacy work? What would you like our community to accomplish this year? By Eli Leblanc, member of Césarimouski
Last time I wrote for Momma Trauma, I was explaining why I was taking a pause on my healing journey in The cliff, the wall and the corn on the cob. To cut a long story short, it had been a rough few months with a lot of introspection and I was exhausted. I really needed some distance from my trauma. Well, the corn on the cob was delicious, as always, and it was quite satisfying to play Bob Dylan’s songs by the camp fire. I managed to recharge my batteries. Spring came with the sun being really beneficial to my mood. Though nervous, I decided it was time for me to look for this darn door again. I admit, I really had to give myself a good kick in the butt. Things were not great but ok, and I did not feel the urge to do something about it. But I had the feeling that my new seren-ish-ity was only temporary. I shall say it straight away; a door did not magically appear. But at least, I noticed a breech from which I could see some light. It came in the form of EMDR therapy. A few awesome mommas from the Momma Trauma’s sacred circle private group had used it with success to treat PTSD. I was very hesitant at first. I was worried it would reprogram me into not caring about what happened. The general anesthesia without consent being the main cause of my PTSD, the thought of blurring the small amount of memories I had left was also panicking. With much encouragement from my virtual fellows, I decided to meet with the therapist anyway and see if she had any answers to my worries. On the first meeting, I told her the big lines of my birth stories and I made it clear that I was not seeking acceptance or forgiveness. I keep repeating it but here I go again. I consider that what happened is unacceptable and unforgiveable. Trying to accept and forgive would be like a treachery against myself. I’m clearly not ready for it, I don’t know if I will ever be. I don’t even know if I should want to. Voilà. So I told her what I really wanted at this point was to be more equipped to manage the symptoms. Much to my relief, and surprise, she said ok. If she had told me acceptance and forgiveness were the only way, I swear I would have walked out the door. There is some work I’m not ready to do. That does not mean I can’t do any, right? We discussed my worries about blurring out my memories. She said it could also unfold some. She then proceeded to explain how we would work. The idea would be to reprocess some “false beliefs” I might have regarding the birth of my daughters. To do that, I would visualize images representing the trauma while muttering a “false belief”. During that time she would alternatively tap on both my knees. The stimulation of my right and left brain hemispheres whiles reliving the trauma would reconcile them, allowing my brain to deal with properly processed thoughts instead of traumatic ones. Hearing my story and the fact that I blamed myself for choosing to go to the birth center rather than staying at home for the birth of my eldest, she suggested “I should have done things differently” as a “false belief”. I argued. No matter how you look at it, I SHOULD have done things differently. My left and right brain both agree on that one, no need for reconciliation there. And I accept that ultimate responsibility. Actually, the only little piece of empowerment I managed to find in my birth stories is the fact that I take responsibility for making bad decisions that led me to be transferred to the hospital. So there was no way I was going to try to reprogram that part. She suggested “I cannot accept it” instead. I decided to show an open mind and give it a try. Now I have to say this; I am an irritable person. Enhanced irritability is one of the symptoms of my PTSD. And the term “false belief” BLOODY IRRITATES ME! Just hearing it makes me cringe. I admit that a lot of my thoughts are negative, destructive even, but that does not make them false! So when the next session came, I told her straight to the point that I would not work with “false beliefs.” She agreed to call them “negative cognitions” and I relaxed on my chair, satisfied. On the third appointment, there was no improvement whatsoever and I told her that I was still resisting the “I cannot accept it” because not surprisingly, it irritated me. As I said before, acceptance is really out of my scope, at least for now. So we agreed on “I cannot stand it”. The difference might seem subtle, but to me, it finally represented what I had come for. After that session, I started noticing some changes. I was not necessarily able to block triggers, but when they happened, I felt, for the first time in over 4 years, the urge to fight them. I even started being successful at it after another treatment. If I don’t go into too much detail, I am sometime able to discuss the birth of my children without having tears flooding my eyes. I’m able to browse through a birth textbook keeping my emotions at a distance, which was unconceivable just a few months ago. I did not let my anger or my pain go. I am still resentful. I still feel guilty and I can objectively say that I am at least partially responsible for what happened. But those feelings are now mostly kept behind a closed door (magical or not) and it does not open everytime the wind blows anymore. So far, we mainly concentrated on the surgery and the general anesthesia. I am still sensitive on some subjects, the breastfeeding issues that derived from my trauma and being disrespected by the medical body. We will now focus on that. So, I guess the bottom line is this; I was disregarded during the birth of my children, but there is no way I’m going to let this happen again during my healing process. I am an active part of it. I am the MAIN part of it. I am not going to try to do something I’m not ready to. I am going to fuss and change the phrasing to the last coma until it suits me, because, yes, phrasing can be important. Because I’m worth it. And guess what? It looks like it’s working. A lot of us birthed under the medical team’s terms. How about we heal under our own? Jennifer, Best Wishes to You! |
AuthorWelcome to Momma Trauma's Blog! Thoughts, empowering posts and stories straight from Momma Trauma herself, Birth Trauma families & birth professionals. Archives
July 2015
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